By Shannan Blum, Coach & LMFT

Introduction
Dr. Kristen Neff, the self-compassion “Queen” from the University of Texas at Austin, drops more than a few truth bombs on the self-esteem hype. Turns out, self-esteem isn’t the golden ticket to mental health we thought it was. The problem lies in how we chase it—by constantly comparing ourselves to others and trying to feel superior. Well, guess what? That approach backfires when the going gets tough. But fear not, my friend! Self-compassion swoops in like a superhero, ready to save the day. So, hold on tight and prepare to have your mind blown (I know this throttled ME back when I first learned about it!)

Benefits of Self-Compassion
Let’s dig into the good stuff, first, my friends! Dr. Neff’s extensive research has found that self-compassionate individuals are less likely to be down in the dumps. They’re happier, more resilient, and have better mental health overall. Did you catch that. Go ahead and read that one again…I’ll wait! Oh, and did I mention it also boosts self-worth, body image, and motivation? Those are some seriously enticing benefits. It’s like hitting the jackpot of emotional well-being. Who wouldn’t want a piece of that action? With self-compassion on your side, you’ll bounce back from life’s challenges like a champ in ways you never imagined.

What is Self-Compassion?
Imagine treating yourself as kindly as you treat your BFF, your partner, or even your fluffy pet. That’s self-compassion in action, peeps. It means replacing self-criticism with understanding, empathy, and support. Let’s be real here: you don’t expect perfection from others, so why should you demand it from yourself? It’s time to give that harsh inner voice a vacation and embrace the gentler, kinder one that knows how to uplift and encourage. Self-compassion is all about being your own cheerleader (and contrary to previous beliefs, doesn’t make you unmotivated, soft, or lazy!)

The Three Components of Self-Compassion
Dr. Neff breaks it down into three simple, but mighty, components:

1. Self-kindness: Swap out that self-critical, inner voice for the kind of gentle self-talk you’d use with a loved one. It’s like giving yourself a warm hug instead of a stern lecture. Game-changer, right?
2. Common Humanity: Recognize that we all go through pain, flaws, and failures. You’re not alone in this wild ride called life. Embracing our shared experiences brings us closer and boosts our sense of connection.
3. Mindfulness: Pay attention to your inner experiences (thoughts/feelings/sensations) without judgment, living in the present moment. This self-awareness helps you develop effective skills and navigate life with greater clarity.

What’s the Deal with Self-Esteem?
Now, let’s shine a spotlight on self-esteem, shall we? Self-esteem is about how you perceive your self-worth and how much you like yourself. Sounds good, right? But here’s the nasty catch: we’ve been taught to base our self-esteem on being different, unique, and above average. Average? Pfft, who wants that? Our culture tells us to strive for superiority, and greeting cards certainly don’t praise being “GREATLY AVERAGE.” So, here’s the real kicker: relying on self-esteem can lead to some not-so-pretty behaviors.

Why Self-Compassion Outshines Self-Esteem and Takes the Crown:

1. No more comparisons: Self-compassion doesn’t care about comparisons or achievements. It’s not a fan of the hustle culture and rat race. You deserve compassion simply because you’re human, not because you’re the best at something (because at some point you won’t be!). No need to one-up others to feel good about yourself.
2. Hello, self-awareness: Embracing self-compassion means you can acknowledge your struggles and “failings” without shame. No more hiding or distorting reality. By opening up, you’ll connect with others, gain support, and gain a deeper understanding of yourself.
3. It’s always there for you: Self-compassion is like a trusty sidekick, available 24/7, even when life knocks you flat on your face. Research shows that self-compassion is associated with emotional resilience, accurate self-concepts, caring relationships, and less narcissism and reactive anger. It’s the secret weapon you’ve been missing.

Pro Tips for Embracing Self-Compassion
Ready to give self-compassion a whirl? Here are some handy tips to get you started:

1. Treat yourself like a dear friend: Imagine what you’d say to a close friend in a similar situation. In fact, write those supportive words down and practice saying them out loud every day. You deserve that kindness too! (this is called the Double Standard Technique – it’s really powerful!)
2. Embrace curiosity: Instead of judging yourself, approach situations with a sense of wonder. Ask yourself, “What would an 8-year-old think of this?” It’s like hitting the reset button on your perspective.
3. Write a love letter to yourself: Channel your inner Shakespeare and pen a heartfelt letter from the perspective of someone who loves you unconditionally. It’s like receiving a warm hug on paper. If you’re not sure you can muster the love, ask a trusted friend to write a letter to you about what they love about you.
4. Embrace imperfection: Give yourself permission to be imperfect. Remember, imperfections don’t define your worthiness of love and acceptance. You’re pretty amazing just as you are.
5. Create a self-compassion mantra: Combine the three components of self-compassion—love, togetherness, and awareness—and craft a powerful mantra that resonates with you. Repeat it like a personal anthem.
6. Embrace your whole self: Let go of the need to hide or reject parts of yourself. Embrace the messy, beautiful, and complex package that makes you who you are. It’s time to celebrate your uniqueness.
7. Be kind, even to your dark parts: Speak kindly to yourself, not just during the “good” moments but also during the “bad” ones. You’re your own biggest supporter, after all.

Give these practices a whirl, dear one. Once you experience the enduring power of self-compassion, you’ll be hooked. It’s time to leave self-esteem in the dust and embrace the unstoppable force that is self-compassion. Let’s go!

If you are interested in learning more about developing self-compassion, please consider working with me as your integrative & holistic coach. I can help you elevate harmony & balance in your life through my Kairos Transformation coaching services. Go check it out right now here. You can also learn more about me and my own journey on my website www.sbmftservices.com.

In Health, Wholeness and Compassion,
Shannan

Rescources
¹Neff, Kristen. “What Self-Compassion is Not.” Self-Compassion. Accessed June 2022.