Introduction

Have you heard of Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) and wondered what the heck “dialectical” means? Well, you’re not alone so today I’m going to make it easy-peasy to understand.

DBT was developed by Dr. Marsha Linehan in the 80s and 90s, and her primary distinction from “regular CBT” was the specific inclusion of mindfulness and dialectics as skills. Visit the Linehan Institute for more information on Dr. Linehan’s work.

Simply put, dialectics means “blending two seemingly opposing forces into one harmonious whole.” Conider the concepts of acceptance and change, they seem to oppose each other, right? I mean you either accept something, or change it, don’t you? Dialectics is that hack that lets you find the sweet spot of a harmonious middle ground.

Either/Or Thinking

Let’s back up a bit to start off. When you engage in all/nothing thinking, your mind feels a bit trapped. You’ve felt that familiar experience of your mind looping back and forth, fighting to determine ‘which one is the right one?’ The fancy, psychological name for this kind of thinking is dichotomous thinking. Basically, it tricks us into believing its extreme position offers safety, control, and certainty. Sneaky little devil, huh?

Dichotomous thinking = either/or, all/nothing, black/white. It feels relieving in the short-term, that way of thinking feels like certainty…so we keep doing it.

But here’s the truth: that fleeting relief we feel is nothing more than that – fleeting. Instead of feeling long-term clarity, we’re left with persistent internal battles, questioning and re-quesioning what to decide, fearing the dreaded “wrong” position and desperately clinging to our chosen side. I call this experience “spooling” and it’s exhausting.

Dialectical thinking is the antedote to this mental mayhem.

Self-Trust & Dialectical Thinking

Dialectical thinking reduces that internal mayhem by finding the middle ground in between the polar opposites. In most cases, it honors and acknowledges both sides.

Dialectical thinking = both/and thinking. It relies on the foundation that “both can be true” and values even small nuggets of truth in each position. Examples include:  “I can both work hard and deserve to rest.” “I am both struggling and grateful.” “I can both love you and need to keep distance from you.” 

A word of caution here – dialectical thinking is not a tool for justifying or defening oppressive or harm-inducing beliefs to gain traction. It’s not acceptable to say, “Both child abuse and recovery are valid.” We are not giving credence to abuse or oppression of any kind.

As you hone in on this technique, a remarkable transformation takes place. You start building self-awareness of your whole self, improving self-trust along the way, and all that builds inner peace because you’re not fighting inside yourself. Farewell, all/nothing thinking; hello, newfound serenity!

Harmony Amidst Differences

So, how to create and use dialectics? Well, the simplest and main skill is substituing the word “and” for “but” or “or.” That’s the secret ingredient that binds opposites together.

Here are some other handy tips to level up your dialectical game:

🌟 Rephrase and reframe – identify rigid positions or words and substitute with more rational realities. Instead of “always,” what might the actual percentage be?
🌟 Discover the underlying beliefs and desires fueling those statements. Where did that belief come from? How taught that to you? What truly matters to you?
🌟 Let your dialectical statement be longer than the either/or statement. Challenge that brain of yours to embrace multiple perspectives.

The See-Saw of Dialectical Thinking

You know that playground apparatus where kids sit on each end of a lever with the folcrum point in the middle? The people on each each have to work together to balance the movement up and down. Well, that’s the same mental process of dialectical thinking. Because this is where the rubber hits the road, I provide two examples of how dialectics balances things out.

Dichotomous statements: “I either cry and am weak or I stuff my emotions.”
Dialectical statements: “I can both express my emotions through tears and also sometimes contain them. Feeling my feelings doesn’t mean I’m weak, it means I’m human.”

Dichotomous statements: “I’m either a total success or I’ve failed.”
Dialectical statements: “I can both succeed and fail at something. Sometimes I stumble, and that’s okay because it’s part of adjusting and growing.”

Want to Learn More?

As an Intensively Trained DBT therapist, I sprinkle dialectics throughout all my content and services. If you’re interested head over to my Work With Me page and let’s see if we might be a good fit to work together.

In Health & Wholeness,

Shannan