Introduction

So, as a therapist I follow a lot of other therapist accounts and I’ve noticed various patterns over time. I’ve seen waves and phases of posts about various topics. 

One serious topic I’ve seen a lot recenlty addresses adults “cutting off” parents, siblings or friends and going “no contact.” I’ve seen posts from those who have a long history of being harmed and are setting these limits, and those who are truly befuddled by the disconnection.

Social Media Limitations

As is typical in social media, polarizing views are more easily presented. Unfortunately, that polarization also provides no opportunity for understanding the complex nuance involved. Because of that, I seek to offer some insights as to why ‘no contact’ might be a healthy option. 

It’s also worth noting that “no contact” can actually be one point on a full continuum of contact; from intermittent, infrequent, to none at all. 

In full transparency, I more often work with those who establish no-contact versus those receiving it; the women I support are often healing from highly dysfunctional, abusive, and traumatic relationship bonds.  My biases reside from my experiences in working with them and their point of view.

4 Categories That Might Warrant No-Contact

From a therapist’s viewpoint, here are what I believe are 4 categories of long-term patterns where reducing or even cutting off contact with individuals in your life might be warranted.

Keep in mind, this is not an exhaustive list and even if these criteria are present, I’m not making recommendations.

1️⃣ Long history of emotional manipulation & guilt mechanisms to control behavior

• “If you really loved me, you’d come visit me or help me more” 
• “If you were a good daughter, you’d do what I’m asking”
• “After everything we’ve done for you, you should be more grateful and return the favor.” 
• “I said sorry, what else do you want?”
• Persistent emotional immaturity & unavailability, denying someone’s reality or denial of any wrongdoing, persistent invalidation, etc.

2️⃣ Patterns of name-calling, domination, or threatening intimidation

• “Don’t be such a damn drama queen, just get over it.”
• “Don’t be so selfish, think about someone else for once.” 
• “If you don’t do (xyz) then I can’t promise you won’t get hurt” 
• “I’ve told you over and over what you need to do, if you don’t listen to me you’ll have hell to pay.”  

3️⃣ Physical Harm/Threats of Harm

• Slamming or throwing items near you/past you, breaking other items, damaging furniture, punching walls, etc. 
• Approaching with a provoking or attacking posture (hand raised, object as a weapon, or poised to strike, etc.) 

4️⃣Violent and Aggressive Behaviors (verbal and physical) 

• Physically slapping, hitting, pushing, shoving
• Pulling of hair
• Sexually abusive behaviors 

Boundaries as Self-Respecting Limits

💫 Self-respecting limits – aka boundaries – are anyone’s emotional and spiritual right to establish. Consider how the above might be affecting someone to improve your understanding of their choices. Remember, also, that adults (family and friends) don’t owe anyone anything. Individuals are allowed to change their mind, set new limits or make new agreements as an adult. 

To those on the receiving end of the cut-off. I invite you to realize your loved one has had to decide that the pain of loss and disconnection is not as painful as the harm of remaining in contact. Being open to how your behaviors are a factor in that pain, and not excusing it or defending it, might be essential if you have any hope of reconnecting with them. 

You can also grab my Free Guide to Strengthening Boundaries for more understanding of how boundaries are helpful and healthy. 

If you want more support in understanding this process, email me at sh*****@***********es.com and let’s see if we’re a good fit. 

In Health & Wholeness, 

Shannan